turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
