I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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