He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
