so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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