I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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