i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
