That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
