I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
