I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
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