Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
