We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
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