you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Randomize
