I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
