Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
