gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
