every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
