I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
