I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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