i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
