It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
