All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
