I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
