you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
