If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
