i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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