Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
two words: eviction party
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
