I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
