Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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