your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
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