I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
