i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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