I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
