you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
