Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
