dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
