I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
