Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
