I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
