Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
