dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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