nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
