I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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