I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
