cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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