My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
