How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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