how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
this is an emotional support booty call
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
