I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm determined to sit on that face.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I need to align my fucking chakras
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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