ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
