Soap is not a condiment
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
