Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
