i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
